I was watching Brandon Sanderson give his key note speech at DragonSteel 2023 on the run up to releasing his new book, Defiant (side note, I can’t wait to read it!). He talked about liminality, these transitional states of mind, either in time or in physical space, that bridge the gap from one place to another. Like looking for another job, walking down a long empty uniform corridor or waiting for exam results that will impact the rest of your life. These transitional phases are examples of Liminal spaces.
Some of these liminal spaces can be truly traumatic though. If you’re unfortunate enough to have experienced the loss of a loved one or family member, you’ll recognize instantly feeling void of “what to do next”, or perhaps more commonly experienced, breaking up with someone you still love and feeling empty inside.
These liminal events are in themselves as traumatic as what comes afterwards, even if the outcome is actually positive, it’s still traumatic just getting there.
For most people, we pass through these places of traumatic liminality with little actual harm done, but for people – like myself – that suffer from Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, they can be truly brutal. Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) is pretty much what it says on the can. An acute sensitivity to rejection, or rejection like events or destructive criticism, that trigger a massive dip in mental health and wellbeing.
I’ll give you an example.
Me and my fiancée have two Jack Russells at home. The eldest is 14 and is basically a cat. The younger of the two is 10 years old, and he’s easily excited. We were out walking our dogs and as we walked past another dog walker, their dog stepped up to greet Marco and he just wanted to play, immediately barking and doing a “shoulder-barge” to try and entice a chase game – despite them both being on leads. Look, I didn’t say he was the smartest cookie. Anyway, the other dog owner being a bit of a useless lump then started screaming at us about how our dog attacked their dog, bit their dog, etc. There was no biting or growling or even teeth baring, but that random woman reacting in that way knocked the wind out of me.
That was me done then. It felt like I’d been gut-punched, my stomach fell through my feet, I felt sick and I could hear my heart pounding in my ears. My anxiety skyrocketed and my emotions were all over the place.
My partner helped me by talking me through it, helping me understand that it was that dog owner that was a moron & we did nothing wrong, that Marco did nothing wrong, but I was then locked in this transitionary phase of completing the dog walk but really not wanting to be there anymore and having that event rattle through my head over and over and over again. The sound of her scream repeating over and over and over again.
Now, why am I talking about how screwed up I am in the head?
Well, because when we’re at work, the effect our words can have on other people can be staggering, and can have a massively detrimental effect on individuals’ ability to even be productive. Envisage this scenario. You’re sat at your desk on that one day a week you go into the office, your boss waddles over after getting out of back-to-back meetings with a face like a slapped ass. He heads straight to you and with zero effort to make any type of small talk, he says “I need a word with you in my office.”
Where does your head go? Take a moment here and think about what will be going on in your mind. Not how you want to feel, but how you will actually feel. Be honest with yourself. I can’t tell you what you’ll feel, only you can, but I can only tell you where my head goes.
I’m getting fired. What have I done wrong? I’ve not done anything. Is it that thing seven months ago? This isn’t fair. What am I being punished for? I know I’m bad at my job. Do they realize I’m useless? Why am I getting fired?
The walk from my desk to his office feels like an eternity. It feels like everybody in the building is watching me “Walk the Green Mile” on my way to my execution. With every step it gets harder to breathe. Once I’m sat down I’ll be white as a sheet with cold sweats.It doesn’t matter what my boss will say next, it’ll take hours to come down from this situation. It doesn’t matter how good I am at my job, I can’t not feel these things. I’ve gotten exceptionally good at masking how this traumatic event effects me and I’ll still functional – to a lesser degree – in that room, but it’ll be hours before I’m back to myself.
And I can hear someone silently asking; how often has this actually happened and resulted in me getting told off for something? Exactly once, over a decade ago, and I was like this before that happened.
I should just ‘let it go’ or ‘get over it’ but this is an unconscious reaction to a perceived traumatic event. From the last word my boss as spoken, I am expecting rejection. That walk to his office – that Liminal space – is traumatic for me because before I’ve stood up I’m already convinced that I’ll be rejected in some way or another, and while some may feel a level of anxiety or similar imposter syndrome here, the difference for me is the level of emotional pain that comes with all of this. It’s truly overwhelming.
Sorry, I realize I’ve detoured back onto myself again, but hopefully you see where I’m going with this.
As a manager, I’m now in the unique position to remove these and other similar events of traumatic liminality from other people’s lives. As a manager, I want my staff to feel welcomed, respected and trusted. No person deserves to feel any less than safe when they’re in the workplace. Sure, sometimes there has to be a tough conversation, things happen, but for every other single situation the way I approach these types of conversations is through the language I use in order to start the conversation.
“Hey, I need your help with something, can you pop by my office?”
“Hi, I need a word. Don’t worry, it’s nothing bad. I think you’ll like this.”
“Something has come up with XXX project, can you come and help me?”
In providing more context in that initial point of contact, I’m actively removing the potential for trauma from the subsequent liminality, and so I’m reinforcing that safety and respect that my staff deserve.
Whether traumatic liminality or rejection sensitivity dysphoria effect you or any of my staff the way they effect me is rather irrelevant. What we should all want to do is provide a safe environment where those around us feel wanted and respected and safe, and we should all do our part to achieve that, regardless of your position in any corporate ladder.
Making jokes or quips like “Someone’s getting fired” when someone gets pulled into a meeting room with their boss may seem harmless & playful, and with the right relationship with the individual it will be, but unless you know how that person will react it’s best just not.
For everyone in a position of leadership, pay attention to the language you use when you approach people. Don’t actively change at first, but pay attention to what you say and how you say it. There are things we can all do that will improve interactions with others and by improving your interactions, you’re building relationships and reinforcing the image you should want others to see you by.
I’m sure at least one person here is thinking this is all ‘Snowflake culture’, but really what does it matter if it even is? Shouldn’t we all want to be better people? I know I do.
… thank you for watching reading my TED talk.
D.
Danielle Summers 
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